my mouth tastes like poor choices
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
