I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
