Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
