How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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