one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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