Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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