seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
