so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
