I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
