I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
