I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
