Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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