The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
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