the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
