Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
