So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
