I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
