i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
i used baking grease as lip gloss
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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