Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
