WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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