Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
