Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
