I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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