I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
