The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
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