I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
