i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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