Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
