I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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