Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
