and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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