if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Did we literally take a cab across the street
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
