do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
