I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
