My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize
