Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
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