??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
