I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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