I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
