mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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