Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
