girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
