look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
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