why didn't you poke me back
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
