My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
