my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
