Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I have aggressive nipples.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
