After last night, I could never be a politician.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
