did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
