1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
My brain says no but my pants say off.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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