You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
