Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Randomize
